Don’t Let Grief Ruin Your Holiday
The Spring holidays often bring with them joy and excitement, not to mention wonderful food and fond memories. But not everyone feels that way. Many of us find this time of year filled with memories of loved ones and traditions that are no longer available to us.
Easter, Passover, Ramadan are all overlapping this weekend, not to mention Holi, Nowruz, and Songkran which have been celebrated in the past month. Many of us , probably all of us who are reading this article, no longer celebrate those holidays the same way we did growing up.
I’ve been thinking about the way I celebrated Passover when I was a kid compared to what it looks like today. I remember my early child experiences with my grandparents who are no longer here, and I recall my adolescent years of being together with my whole family, most of whom will be thousands of miles away from me this year. Additionally, I certainly don’t practice my religion the same way I did growing up, and my beliefs around the holiday are different as an adult.
So, for the past week, I’ve been having conversations with my family members about memories of Passovers past. I’ve been writing about it (I wonder where this blog post came from?), I’ve spoken about it to my own therapist, and I’ve been sharing my past and current experiences with new friends and colleagues. And I’ve done versions of this for several years. I cannot express how helpful this has been for me.
It can be really tempting to ignore the negative feelings associated with the holiday, to think to yourself “it’s a wonderful holiday, why would I have any confusing or difficult emotions around it?” or even “I just need to grit my teeth and get through the holiday!” I challenge you to metaphorically open a small pressure valve, so that the emotions don’t all come out at one time (e.g. when your kids are demanding your already stretched-thin attention, and cooking food is taking longer than you hoped, and your family member says, “well, that’s not how we used to do it!”).
If you’ve ever read anything about grief, you know that grief looks differently for everyone. There’s not one correct way to grieve; it tends to have a mind of its own. It shows up in weird ways and at weird times. It can look like anxiety, depression, mania, dissociation, and a myriad of other things too. Trust that however it shows up, your body knows how to grieve without you forcing anything on it. However, sometimes it can help to bring some extra attention and nurture to it.
I’d like to give you some tips that might help release some of that built-up pressure. Keep in mind, this list is in no way exhaustive or even perfectly scripted. Feel free to adapt these however feels right to you.
Request some time with a loved one (or loved ones) to talk about how the holiday was celebrated when you were a child. Feel free to share both the good and the bad. For some of us, this may be the hardest part: be gentle with yourself.
You’re allowed to create new traditions; you don’t have to feel like you’re doing it wrong if you’re doing it differently than your parents did or than other community members do it. The holiday should be serving you, not the other way around. For example, I make it a point to watch the Disney movie “The Prince of Egypt” every Passover. I definitely did not do that growing up.
Spring holidays often center themselves around the kids, but don’t forget that you deserve to enjoy this holiday too. Try to create a practice that has elements of self-care (e.g. put the kids in charge of something you would normally do; end the celebration early enough that you get some sleep, even if that means skipping some “required” things; go around the room asking others how they celebrated the holiday when they were children; etc.)
Remember those who are no longer with us. Light a candle!
Be EXTRA kind to yourself. Remember that this holiday might be more difficult for you than for others, and that’s understandable and expected.
Good luck, and happy Spring Holidays!