What does Purity Culture Look Like?
How sexual rules can shape identity, relationships, and self-trust.
One Saturday, when I was about 9 years old, I was invited to a friend’s house to hang out. My parents dropped me off, and I, along with another invited friend, played together with her and her younger brothers for several hours. At one point, the three of us were playing games in her room: me (a boy), and two girls. My friend’s mother walked in and told me that I should let the girls play and that I should spend some time with her brothers. I was confused about why I was being asked to stop playing with my friends, but, as a gracious guest of their home (and somewhat of a people pleaser), I obliged.
That’s the end of the story. But it is a story that, for some reason, I remember viscerally to this day. I still wonder why it sticks out so much to me.
Did I do something wrong?
Why were the girls allowed to play with each other but not with me?
Was it because her brothers had said they were feeling left out?
I felt embarrassed, not to mention frustrated at my friend’s mom.
I later learned that, according to Orthodox Jewish law, a man is generally not permitted to be secluded with one or more women who are not his wife or close relatives. That law was being enforced that Saturday.
At the time, I didn't have language for what happened. I just thought this was part of growing up. Many years later, I realized that moments like these weren't isolated. They were part of a much larger system of thinking about gender, sexuality, and morality.
I draw attention to this story because purity culture is often much subtler than people imagine. When people hear the phrase, they often think of purity rings, abstinence pledges, or rules about sex. But for many people, its influence begins much earlier, through small, ordinary moments that quietly teach us something about ourselves. In my case, I learned I can’t be trusted, that I need rules to keep me from hurting others, and that my gender matters more than the decisions I make. I don't believe anyone ever said these things to me. But they're the beliefs I concluded from experiences like this.
Understanding Purity Culture
I didn’t know it at the time, but I was raised in “purity culture.” Purity culture is a system of rules and expectations that frames sexuality as a matter of morality. Sexual expression within heterosexual marriage is treated as morally good, while sexual expression outside those boundaries is treated as morally wrong.
Even though purity culture is mainly about sexual morality, it ends up exerting control over many other domains, like how people think about themselves, dating, relationships, gender, and what it means to be "good.”
Although the term is most often used to describe specific Christian movements, similar ideas exist in many religions, cultures and other high-control environments,, including the Orthodox Jewish community in which I grew up.
Why do people endorse purity culture?
Not everyone who grew up in purity culture experienced it negatively. They may appreciate its values, like commitment, intentionality, self-control, and treating sexuality as something meaningful rather than casual. For some, it can provide a sense of structure, community, and shared expectations during adolescence. For others, it can also reinforce a sense of being morally "set apart" or "more faithful" than those outside the system.
When someone chooses these values without outside pressure or coercion, they may find them deeply meaningful. However, it can be difficult to know how freely that choice was made when rejecting the system could mean punishment, exclusion, or moral failure.
Why do people struggle with it?
The challenges don't necessarily begin when someone leaves their religion or when they get married or when they start challenging their beliefs. For many people, they begin in childhood or adolescence, when ordinary developmental experiences, like friendships, dating, and attraction, become morally charged. Sometimes people just want to play games with their friends. Instead, they're left wondering whether playing with those friends is morally acceptable.
Even if a person decides to reject the beliefs they were raised with, the effects of purity culture don't end when people leave home or when they get married. They might still feel anxious about dating, guilty about attraction, or uncertain whether they can trust themselves.
Many people are taught that following the "right" rules will lead to a healthy marriage and fulfilling sex life. When reality turns out to be more complicated, people often blame themselves rather than questioning the promise itself, and that’s where shame tends to show up.
Others experience something even more painful: purity culture may be used by parents, partners, religious leaders, or communities to justify control, manipulation, or abuse. In those cases, the harm isn't just the beliefs themselves, but the ways those beliefs are used against people.
What can healing look like?
If you've ever found yourself wondering why dating feels so stressful, why certain topics bring up unexpected guilt or shame, or why trusting yourself feels difficult even after your beliefs have changed, maybe purity culture still holds more influence on you today than you’d like.
One of the things I love most about therapy is watching people realize they get to ask new questions about their lives:
What from my upbringing is still relevant and beneficial to my life?
What isn’t?
And what am I still unsure about?
You get to explore those questions thoughtfully and with curiosity, and to make choices that reflect your own values rather than fear or obligation.
Continued Reading:
Navigating Religious and Political Differences in your Family
Mike Rothschild is a therapist who works with adults navigating shame, identity, religious trauma, and the lasting effects of high-control environments.